


Of Ends and New Beginnings

by HighlyOpinionatedNerd



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: I really like how it turned out though!, M/M, Multi, Sanzo's pov, a lot of ambiguousness in this one, he has Feelings and doesn't really know how to deal with them, it's more self indulgent than it is canon-accurate, mostly just fluff with a little plot thrown in, set post-journey, the ot4!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 05:10:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13780407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighlyOpinionatedNerd/pseuds/HighlyOpinionatedNerd
Summary: Once the journey is over, what then? Sanzo struggles to understand what he wants, and finds answers in a life with Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku





	Of Ends and New Beginnings

Genjo Sanzo had had a _purpose_ in his life. A single, all-consuming drive that had been his reason for living for almost as long as he could remember. He was a monk, and the will of his superiors was his will. If they said he had to go west, then that was what he had to do. He had to go west, and couldn’t allow anything to stand in his way.

He’d gathered his companions and set out on his journey. Although, calling it that felt somehow inaccurate, he thought, as though what they’d been through could possibly be simplified into one word. It didn’t seem right to him to put all those years, all those miles, all the blood they’d shed into one word.

But it didn’t matter much now, he supposed. The journey was over. They had carried out their mission, and everything was over.

It didn’t come easily. By the end, all four of them were bloody and battered and barely alive. But they were alive. They were.

“What will you do now?” Gojyo asked him, several days later, when he could almost stand on his own again.

“I guess I’ll go to the nearest city,” Sanzo shrugged, “to a temple, and wait for instructions.”

“I think I might stay here for a while,” Hakkai mused. “It would be nice to rent a house in town, and stay in one place for a time.”

“That does sound kind of nice,” Gojyo said, leaning back in his chair. “Can I stay with you for a while? I don’t think I’m ready to leave yet, either.”

“Of course you can, Gojyo. It’ll be just like old times.”

“What will you do, Goku?”

“I...I don’t know.” Bandages still covered half of Goku’s face, but his anxiousness and fear were plain for all of them to see. “I think, I mean, I thought when this was over I’d go back to Japan. Back to where it started, I guess.” He glanced apprehensively at Sanzo. “Can I go with you? At least as far as the city?”

“Sure. Might as well, I guess. Why not.”

Goku’s face brightened. “Thank you, Sanzo!”

Sanzo sighed. He didn’t know why he’d agreed to that. Hadn’t he just been looking forward to some solitude, after all this time? And Goku was old enough now to travel on his own. He’d have to learn to do so eventually, anyway. Sanzo knew that. Why had he agreed to let him come?

“Are there any cigarettes?”

“No, I already asked. The nurses said we shouldn’t be smoking, in our conditions.”

“Bullshit.”

“Now now, calm down, you two. I’m sure you’ll get your cigarettes in due time. For now though, you should rest. We should all get some rest.”

 

When they were well enough, Sanzo and Goku packed up their things, said their goodbyes to Gojyo and Hakkai, and left.

It felt strange to be travelling again. Mostly, he thought, because they didn’t have a specific destination in mind. They were just…going. Just him and Goku.

They didn’t speak much. Goku had cried and cried when they’d parted with the others, but now he was just quiet. He was older now, and finally starting to show it- a little taller, with a little more muscle on his frame- but he still acted like a frightened kid sometimes.

It was annoying. Or at least, Sanzo wanted to believe that it was. He wanted to be upset at Goku’s moping, and he wanted to be ok with leaving him on his own once they found a temple. But he wasn’t. And he didn’t know _why_.

Maybe it was the quiet. It didn’t feel right to him, somehow. It felt like he should be looking over his shoulder and wondering if Gojyo and Hakkai were ok. Even though he knew they were perfectly fine.

That night, they booked rooms in an inn. Two separate rooms, each with its own queen-sized bed. They’d never stayed in single-occupant rooms before. But even though they had some space to themselves for a change, Sanzo couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it, somehow.

He lay awake in bed that night, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. The journey was over. The stupid, annoying ordeal he’d been forced to take on by his superiors was done. He had never wanted to go, anyway.

So why did he miss it?

He’d slipped up with regards to his travelling companions. He had let himself get attached to them. And he knew that. But he had been prepared to leave them when it was all over. Hadn’t he? That had always been part of the deal. Because fulfilling his purpose, his duties as a monk was more important than anything. Wasn’t it?!

Sometime after midnight, he heard Goku crying through the wall that separated their rooms. And that was the final straw. Sanzo didn’t know what was going on, didn’t know where all this emotional confliction had come from. But he knew one thing for sure- he couldn’t just ignore it when Goku was crying like that.

“Oi,” he said, wrenching the door to Goku’s room open, “move over.”

Goku started. “Sanzo?” He quickly tried to hide his face in the blanket. “What are you…?”

“There’s enough room for two, right? Move over.”

“Ah, ok…”

Sanzo awkwardly clambered into the bed with Goku and pulled the blankets up around his shoulders. “Don’t get too used to this. We’re leaving at dawn tomorrow. If we make good time, we should be back by afternoon.”

“What, you mean, to the temple?”

“No, don’t be stupid. We’re going back.”

Goku’s face immediately brightened. “Really?! Is that really ok, Sanzo?”

“It’s fine.”

“Thank you!”

“Sure, whatever. Now stop crying and go to sleep.”

 

They spent the next day retracing their steps, back to the town they’d just left. They spent almost an hour asking for directions and finally found what they were looking for, courtesy of a kindly old man who lived in the neighborhood.

Sanzo began to have some second thoughts, climbing up the front porch steps of the little house. But he ignored them. He had to figure this out, and this was the best way to do it. He knocked on the door and stood back a little, Goku practically vibrating in excitement beside him.

“Coming, coming!” Hakkai’s voice called from inside. A moment later he opened the door, and gasped, his jaw dropping in surprise.

“Hakkai!” Goku yelled joyously, dashing forward and throwing his arms around the other’s shoulders.

“Goku! Sanzo! We weren’t expecting…Gojyo!” Hakkai turned to call over his shoulder, Goku still clinging to him. “Gojyo, come here! Sanzo and Goku are here!”

“What!” They heard running footsteps, and then Gojyo appeared in the doorway behind Hakkai. His face broke into a wide grin when he saw them. “Well, I’ll be damned! You came back for us?”

“Well.” Sanzo shrugged, trying desperately to hold onto his outward image of nonchalance. “Goku wanted to. So, y’know. Here we are, I guess.”

Gojyo laughed and reached out to pull Sanzo into a hug, despite his muffled protests. “It’s so good to see you guys.”

“Gojyo it’s been like a day and a half.”

“Still! Come on in, everybody.”

The four of them went inside. It was a nice place, if a little bit cramped and still somewhat giving off the feeling of not having been lived in for a while.

“What’s that?” Goku asked, pointing to a stack of half-full trunks visible through another doorway off to the side.

Gojyo shrugged a little sheepishly. “Well, uh, we were packing, actually. We were going to go after you.”

“But instead you found us first.” Hakkai smiled. A true, genuine smile that Sanzo hadn’t seen very often, lately. “I guess we were all on the same page.”

“Can you guys stay? Or do you still need to get to a temple?”

Sanzo hesitated, biting his lip. He wanted to stay. He knew it wasn’t right for him to want that, but he really wanted to stay with them. “I don’t…know. Maybe a few days would be ok, but I don’t know.”

“Sanzo, you have to stay,” Goku said insistently. “Screw the temple. You need to stay with us!”

“It’s complicated, ok Goku?”

Hakkai gently placed a hand on Sanzo’s shoulder. “We understand, Sanzo. Take as long as you need to figure it out. We’ll be here when you make your decision.”

Sanzo nodded mutely. The monks would be fine without him for a few days at least. He was going to figure this out. It’d be fine.

“Well then,” Hakkai said cheerily, “It’s getting a little late- Goku, how would you like to help me get started on dinner?”

“Sure! I’m starving.”

“Of course you are,” Gojyo said, rolling his eyes. “I guess I’ll put all this stuff back where it belongs.”

“I’ll help,” Sanzo offered, hefting his own pack once again.

“Oh, thanks. We’ll have to figure out where everyone’s gonna sleep…”

Sanzo followed Gojyo, smiling in spite of himself. It felt good to hear his voice again, and Hakkai’s too. Sanzo hadn’t realized how much the silence had weighed on him until it had been lifted.

He’d have to make the most of their company, while it lasted.

 

The ‘few days’ that Sanzo intended to stay with Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku turned into a week, and then two. He still felt conflicted between his obligations and his personal desires, and no amount of time spent with them seemed to make it go away.

The four of them spent their time exploring the town, or just lounging around enjoying some well-earned rest and relaxation.

Hakkai brought back books from the local library, often pressing the ones he finished into Sanzo’s arms, urging him to read them too.

“This one is a fantasy story. I think you’d really like it.”

“Ok, maybe I’ll give it a try.”

“I hope you do. Just remember, it’s due back by Friday.”

“...Hakkai?”

“Yes, Sanzo?”

“Do you think I should feel...guilty?”

“Hm.” Hakkai cocked his head knowingly at Sanzo. “Do you?”

“Yeah. At least, I think I do.”

“Well, this is your decision. I think it’s important for you to make up your own mind. But if you want my personal opinion, I’ve always thought that the church needed you far more than you needed them.”

Goku brought home a children’s game one day, and demanded that Sanzo play it with him. It was a simple game, that relied more on chance than anything. But Goku enjoyed it, so Sanzo played with him.

“Are you really going to leave?”

“I don’t know. I told you, it’s complicated.”

“I know, I know. Would they let us come with you, if you went back?”

“Probably not.”

Goku frowned, staring straight into Sanzo’s eyes. “I don’t want you to go back to people like that.”

Sanzo sighed. “It’s _complicated_.”

“You keep saying that. I’m not sure it is, but Hakkai says we have to let you make up your own mind. I guess I just have to trust that you’ll make the right choice.”

“Thanks. Want to play again?”

“Sure!”

Gojyo dedicated a lot of his time in those first few days to finding the best sake in town. The proud look on his face when he brought the bottle home made Sanzo laugh.

“What’s funny?! What’s so wrong with wanting some quality booze, after all this time?”

“Nothing. I just thought, it’s sad to think that this is the kind of thing we take pride in now.”

“Hmph.” Gojyo crossed his arms. “I don’t see it that way. Maybe it’s escaped your notice, Sanzo-sama, but normal people do this kind of thing all the time. Shouldn’t we get the chance to do the same?”

“We’re not normal.”

“I think we kinda are. No amount of world-saving is going to make me change my opinion on good sake.”

“I guess that’s fair. I never thought of it that way, actually.”

“You always make everything more complicated than it is,” Gojyo said matter-of-factly. “Not your best quality, Sanzo. The sooner you figure that out, the happier you’ll be. Now, let’s round up the others and open this up!”

 

Sanzo really meant to leave one day. He kept telling himself that, even as the weeks turned into a month. He wasn’t going to stay forever. This was temporary, just the way it always had been.

But then one night at dinner the four of them drank maybe a little too much, and things started to get a little out of hand.

First Goku, barely able to see straight by that point, kissed Hakkai. Then Gojyo, then Sanzo. Then _Gojyo_ kissed Sanzo, and…well. It only escalated from there.

Sanzo woke up the next morning on the floor under the kitchen table, with Goku curled up on his bare chest, his arms and legs tangled up with Gojyo and Hakkai, and the only shady memories of exactly what had happened. But one thing was suddenly very clear to him; he would never go back to the church. He couldn’t, he could never leave them. It was time to stop kidding himself and start living the life he wanted.

From that day on, they were lovers. It was as if some unspoken, unacknowledged barrier between them had finally come crashing down, and now they were finally able to be honest with each other about how they felt. Maybe they hadn’t even fully realized it themselves, until the grand journey they had never fully expected to survive had ended.

But none of that mattered anymore. There was nothing that would be considered ‘normal’ about it, but that didn’t matter either. They were used to being different, to not quite fitting in.

Sanzo stopped trying to put on a brave face in front of them, stopped trying to pretend that he wasn’t feeling lost. There was no way he could have hid it from them for very long, anyway. He cautiously let down his walls, let them see how much he was struggling. 

He was angry, for one thing. Angry that he’d never been allowed to have anything like this, and having it meant giving up everything he’d ever known. But then again, he felt incredibly guilty at the thought that he was betraying the ones who’d raised him and given him a purpose in life. And the emptiness that came with the loss of that purpose was the worst of all.

The others didn’t seem to mind. They took him as he was, lost or not.

 _Why can’t it be us_ , they asked him silently, with their hands on his body and their lips against his skin. _Can’t we be your purpose? Aren’t we enough?_

 _You are_ , he answered as best as he could. With his hands, with his eyes, with his every breath. _You are._

Gradually, he stopped thinking so much about it and just lived it. Slow and lazy morning kisses from Hakkai, Goku’s habit of clingy-cuddling whenever he happened to be sitting still long enough, running his fingers through Gojyo’s long, silky hair. Tiny moments that became his whole world, his reason for being.

It was a selfish, slothful life he had chosen for himself. It was full of material goods and desires that were sinful simply in their excess and fulfillment. But it felt good. It felt really fucking good, and he didn’t intend to stop any time soon.

 

The four of them settled down into their tiny little house on the outskirts of the tiny little town, and bit by bit it became their home. They painted their walls in shades of soft yellows and mossy greens. They took work in the market, helping with the sale and delivery of local produce. They met their neighbors and gossiped with them sometimes in the mornings.

They put all the futons they owned on the floor of the largest bedroom in the house, and at night they slept in a big, tangled up pile. Sanzo usually woke up with a mouthful of someone’s hair or an elbow in his ribs, but it was worth it.

In the evening the four of them would sometimes sit out on their back porch and watch the sun set. It was mid-summer, and the air was filled with the sounds of cicadas chirping and the smell of blooming flowers and of Sanzo and Gojyo’s cigarette smoke.

“I’m a bit surprised that no one has come after you by now, Sanzo,” Gojyo said. “I guess they really didn’t care that much after all.”

“Maybe. Maybe they think we all died.”

“We nearly did,” Hakkai reminded him.

“Good riddance,” Goku said dismissively. “I’m more surprised that no one in town has recognized us.”

“It’s kind of nice, isn’t it? Not to have whispers following you everywhere you go.”

“I don’t know, part of me kinda misses it.”

“Oh, be quiet, Gojyo. Hero worship never suited you.”

“He’s got a point though, Hakkai. What about everything we went through to save the world?! It’s like we’ve been completely forgotten.”

Sanzo chuckled. He’d been laughing a lot more recently. “I don’t care about any of that stuff. All that matters is that we have each other. Right?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Mhm.”

“You’re right.”

Around them, the evening slowly darkened to a twilight shade of blue. In the distance, a couple of fireflies blinked to life, dancing their way through the summer air.

Sanzo leaned his head against Hakkai’s shoulder and closed his eyes. He’d never known that this kind of love was possible, let alone that it would one day be within his grasp. If it had taken the journey of a lifetime for him to realize that, then it had been worth it.

It had all been worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this! The boys are all such vibrant, unique characters. Dialogue between them flows easily to me. It's the rest of it that I had to really work at- I hope it made some sense, and that you enjoyed it! Thank you for reading!


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